scientific awakening

ek doctor ki maut is a 1990 film based on a scientist who is passionate and obsessed about work, research and discovery. He is not just expert in his field of practice but he is actually a research and spend time in exploration and discovery. He has passion for deeper finding, such as cure of Leprosy in those times, when many in this world were suffering from it. He had larger goals that covered not just himself, his family or society but whole mankind. He extended his self for the mankind.

It is very engaging film and with greatness all over it. Every character has their story and conflicts. The story of PhD student in science turned reporter because he believed he is not made to be a scientist. The doctor with private practice with lots of money but empty mind, with no such integrity.The wife working as a helper, caregiver selflessly and her desire and need for companionship takes backseat. A professor who is ready to become subject of dangerous experiment for discovery in science. A director who needs loyalty, recognition, power and is a conformist and for that he can suppress subordinates and misuse his power.

In this struggle, somebody will win while other will lose. In real life, the researcher lost because he (Dr. Subhash Mukhopadhyay) committed suicide, based on whom film is made. While in reel life, researcher won as he gets an offer to leave the country and society which had been ostracizing him.

The film raises many questions and gives many answer. It helps me to cope with reality through its engagement with it, living with it. This art serves the purpose to me to face the reality and swim through it. The reality is harsh and sick. But spirit in humanity and universe is alive through such films and art work.

Deepankar, role of doctor played by Pankaj Kapoor in the film, experiences the menace of leprosy as he encounters it his daily functioning as day job as doctor in hospital. Through these experiences, he understood the stigma attached to such suffering. I think  this inspired and made him passionate to eradicate this dangerous disease. Would he be  passionate with similar enthusiasm about research if he did not have day job which kept his ambition alive? Therefore in order to reflect on something, one needs to have an immersion in experience before.

Can we really start with a thought? Can thought be an experience?

Deepankar’s day job, exchanges with social world, which kept a structure to his daily living and also made him experience about the dysfunctionality in our society. The diseases, the illnesses. And later in evening, for 10 years, in isolation, he dedicated his life to find the cure of this disease through rigorous experiments and testing.

I understand so much of life through art. It sets an example to start learning from life.It gives us playground to understand the reality and life around us.



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taking care of mental health


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On doing many things

“There is a pervasive form of contemporary violence to which the idealist fighting for peace by non-violent methods most easily succumbs: activism and overwork. The rush and pressure of modern life are a form, perhaps the most common form, of its innate violence. To allow oneself to be carried away by a multitude of conflicting concerns, to surrender to too many projects, to want to help everyone in everything is to succumb to violence. The frenzy of the activist neutralizes one’s work for peace. It destroys one’s inner capacity of peace. It destroys the fruitfulness of one’s work because it kills the roots of inner wisdom which make work fruitful.”
– Thomas Merton

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Self effort and Destiny

Can through self-effort and actions, I can write or change my destiny?

Self effort is speed of motor boat in still water. Destiny is the movement of water.The downstream movement and upstream. The speed of motor boat is independent of water stream. But in upstream, the speed of motor boat decreases and in downstream, the speed increases.

What can be destiny?

The destiny can be desired. For different people, it will mean different. Through following such different desired destinies, one may be at present destiny. For materialist, accumulating wealth and becoming rich may be upward stream. While for someone who seeks inner peace and spirituality, upward movement will be to evolve spiritually.

Is any of them closer to truth? Is there any life lived that is closer to truth?

Truth is what I am in this moment and what I can see around and within. Truth is bright smile from inside. Life lived closer to truth and in search of truth must be destiny. And self effort should be to evolve toward truth and that will be upward movement. Any life living in distant of truth is actually downward movement which may be easy and fast.Life lived toward will be upstream and hence will be difficult.

Most of the problems and things we encounter that we struggle and most of the questions of life and world are asked and they are searched outside. The questions of safety and security. No doubt I will be safe from poverty if i have accumulation of wealth. But if my inner self feels safe in my body then it does not need any house or wealth security? I do not mean to renunciation of what you have. Can the answers of this questions be looked inwardly?

The upward stream denotes life is difficult indeed life is always growing and changing. Some may say moving from Delhi to Moradabad is downward stream but for someone it can be upward stream as well if looked from perspective on inner eye. The challenges of facing life alone, of earning one’s livelihood, the importance of being alone has so much potential for self growth that it does not matter whether materially which city it is. For one whose home is inward, it does not matter which city he lives in.


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Mountain and Squirrel

The Mountain and The Squirrel

The mountain and the squirrel

Had a quarrel,

And the former called the latter “Little prig”

Bun replied,

“You are doubtless very big;

But all sorts of things and weather

Must be taken in together

To make up a year

And a sphere

And I think it no disgrace

To occupy my place

If I’m not so large as you,

You are not so small as I,

And not half so spry:

I’ll not deny you make

A very pretty squirrel track

Talents differ; all is well and wisely put;

If I cannot carry forest on my back,

Neither can you crack a nut.

– Ralph Waldo Emerson

We all have a life and what you are is what I am not and there is conflict of I am not what you are. And so I aspire to be like you as big as you. As ideally I see you. And then you meet me in my eyes and I cannot look myself anymore, just you in image of me. And then lost, I search and find where self is. You are doing it so pretty well but why I cannot do it. I am not made for it. I am not what you are. When will I realize this? “Talents differ, all is well and wisely put. If I cannot carry forest on the back. Neither can you crack a nut.”

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On Love

“When it comes do not hold it, do not treasure it as experience. Once it touches you, you will never be the same again. Let that operate and not your greed, your anger or your righteous indignation. It is really quite wild, untamed, and its beauty is not respectable at all.”

-K (Pg 464 in J. Krishnamurthi,a life)

Question: “I have fallen in love but I know there is no future in this relationship. It is a situation I have experienced several times before and I don’t want to get involved again in all that misery and chaos. Yet I am desperately unhappy without his person. How can I get myself out of this state?”

Krishnamurthi: “The loneliness, bleakness, wretchedness you feel without this person you love existed before you fell in love. What you call love is merely stimulation, the temporary covering up of your emptiness. You escaped from loneliness through a person, used this person to cover it up. Your problem is not this relationship but rather it is the problem of your emptiness. Escape is very dangerous, because like some drug, it hides the real problem. It is because you have no love inside you that you continually look for love to fill you from the outside. This lack of love is your loneliness, and when you see the truth of this you will never again try to fill it with things and people from outside. ”


The true love emerges from able to see and experience one’s loneliness and wretchedness and not escape from them. Seeing this and yet appreciating the beauty of life, desire to life, the meaning that grows forms the love towards oneself and other. It means to love to be able to see oneself and not escape from. And so in the capacity of true love, one will only transform and not escape the loneliness, meaninglessness experienced in one’s life. One really faces the real questions and the strength one gains from facing real questions gives rise to capacity to love.

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Home is inward

She asked him “Where do you see yourself in a decade?” He replied “it does not matter where I am outwardly. I can be in New York, Moradabad, London, Germany or Delhi. It does not matter. It matters how and where I am inwardly”

He can be living a life of monk, in his meditation and solitude. He could be successful writer with fame and money. He can be anonymous, forgotten by world, only known to himself. He can live all his life like this and there will be no regret. He will move in lives thereafter in similar fashion.Death is not the end, it is beginning of something beautiful. It is hope. It is truth.

Both sings together.

“तू किसी रेल सी गुजरती हैं

मैं किसी पुल सा थर थराता हूँ”

(her presence is overwhelming and nerve wracking to him)

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